


Moments in Provo

by Philosophizes



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Entirely too many people for so short a fic, Gen, Soap Opera
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-21
Updated: 2014-01-21
Packaged: 2018-01-09 12:11:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1145845
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Philosophizes/pseuds/Philosophizes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Takes on the most surprisingly successful new television series, the soap opera "Moments in Provo". Behind-the-scenes looks, episode portions, and interview.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Moments in Provo

_Faces of moderately attractive people flash by in quick succession to theme music under dramatic lighting._

_Antonio Bernard and Gilbert Buckminster, life-long friends, move back to their tiny hometown after achieving the American Dream._

_But when do dreams ever last?_

_This is…._

_MOMENTS IN PROVO.’_

* * *

Honestly, sometimes it was hard to tell where the soap opera ended.

* * *

Theoretically, _Moments in Provo_ (Feliciano and Lovino would never, ever stop laughing about that) should have been a run-of-mill-ish soap. Yeah, the writer/director/producer had hired small-screen stars Antonio Fernandez Carriedo and Gilbert Beilschmidt for the express purposes of their legendary bro-ness on- and off-screen, and then decided to hire their family and friends to make everything more _‘authentic’_ , and that was a little weird, but show business.

She’d had some sort of grand vision about reality-television-meets-the-soaps, yeah, okay, fine; stranger things had happened.

But then she’d seen Spanish language telenovelas.

And completely rewritten the script.

* * *

“This is _so. Fucking. **Stupid!**_ ”

 _Moments in Provo_ was in the middle of filming the last episode of Season 3, and Lovino Vargas had had it _up to here_ with this _bullshit._

“All right, all right!” the writer/director/producer said, and waved him off set. “Let’s set up for Trelawney and Nick’s scene!”

Lovino stormed off into a corner and screamed at the wall.

“It’s not as bad as it could be,” Antonio told him kindly.

_“My sister is playing my ex-wife who’s married to a man who I just I started an affair with!”_

“But at least _we’re_ actually married!” Antonio said brightly, nudging his husband in the ribs.

“You are _not_ helping!” Lovino accused, jabbing a finger at him. “This isn’t weird for you? Your sister is over there pretending to be a transman who hasn’t told his boyfriend- _her husband_ \- that he’s trans!”

“Dude, no,” Alfred said from his spot by the food table. “I feel you, it’s _totally_ weird. My twin brother who was raised separately in Canada is playing my twin brother who was raised separately in Canada who’s sleeping with my adoptive brother who’s really like our cousin or something.”

“At least your actual adoptive sibling isn’t playing a victimized teenage prostitute you’re slowly falling for,” Sebastian said viciously.

“It’s daytime television?” Antonio offered.

“The wife of your ex-boyfriend was cast your cousin who’s a drag king!”

“But we have a cult following and she _is_ actually a drag king! Just not my cousin. Well okay she’s my cousin-in-law through marriage.”

“I have to see my brother’s ex _every day,_ ” Lovino continued.

“But you _like_ Feliks!” Alfred protested.

“There’s only _so much_ of him I can take at once! And his new boyfriend-”

 _“He’s totally not my boyfriend!”_ Feliks yelled from the other side of the set.

“-is playing my adoptive brother! In _what **fucking** world_ could Toris _ever_ be my and Feli’s brother?”

“ _‘En Pro-voh!’_ ’ Antonio replied gustily, imitating the soap’s ending.

“Why the hell did I marry an actor.”

* * *

_[ **PETER** , IN THE PROVO CATHEDRAL CONFESSION BOX, WAITS PATIENTLY FOR THE NEXT CONFESSOR. **GILBERT** ENTERS THE OTHER SIDE OF THE BOX]_

**_Gilbert:_ ** _“I confess to Almighty God and to you, Father, that I have sinned. My last confession was… too long ago.”_

_[LONG PAUSE]_

**_Peter:_ ** _Gilbert-_

**_Gilbert:_ ** _Oh God, Pete. I‘m so sorry. I can’t do this._

**_Peter:_ ** _Gilbert-_

**_Gilbert:_ ** _You went to seminary since I left, I CAN’T-_

**_Peter:_ ** _(uneasily) Gilbert-_

**_Gilbert:_ ** _I didn’t mean to play on your faith, Pete, I really didn’t. But I had to be around you and you’d only let me do that at church-_

**_Peter:_ ** _(loudly) GILBERT!_

_[ **GILBERT** FLINCHES]_

**_Gilbert:_ ** _I... I’m really sorry, Pete. I know you said not to come back until I’d… “gotten over it”- but I CAN’T, I just CAN’T-_

**_Peter:_ ** _I knew, Gilbert._

**_Gilbert:_ ** _Yeah… okay…_

_[ **GILBERT** STARTS TO GET UP, LOOKING ANGUISHED]_

**_Peter:_ ** _And now I know, too._

_[ **GILBERT** PAUSES]_

**_Peter:_ ** _I know how you could love me Gilbert, I do._

_[TENSE SILENCE]_

**_Peter:_ ** _I… love you too._

_[AUDIENCE SIGHS AND ‘AWWWS’ AUDIBLY]_

* * *

“Why the _hell_ can’t she make up her mind if we’re Spanish or Italian?” Lovino complained. They were on a chartered flight to a national convention where they’d debut the last episode of the season and hold a panel in the biggest conference hall. The network was too grateful for the astounding popularity of “the odd little soap-opera-that-could” they’d aired in an attempt to finally alienate the last of diehard genre fans to do anything _less_ than promote them until they keeled over from media exhaustion. “I mean, _‘Vinny Barras’._ ”

“You’re the one who said you hated _‘Melvin’_ ,” Feliciano pointed out, snuggled into Ludwig’s side across the aisle.

“Because Melvin is a fucking _stupid_ name and there is _nothing_ that screams Italian-American bad boy like _‘Vinny’_. But Barras is _Spanish_.”

“So is Vargas,” Ludwig pointed out mildly.

“Shut up, _‘Dwight Buckminster’_.”

Ludwig grimaced at his character’s name.

Feliciano stuck his tongue out at his brother.

“Oh God, we’re going to have to face our fans,” Matthew said loudly from further up the plane.

“But they love us!” Alfred protested. “And we’re all coming at once they’ll love _that!_ ”

“A little _too_ literally, Al. They’ve made me scared of the Internet.”

“I can find better!” Erzsébet said immediately. She and Feliks were going to do the entire con in drag.

“I believe it,” Roderich told his wife calmly. “Just please don’t share.”

* * *

**_ Partial Transcript of the Q&A Session After the Airing of MiP 3.35 _ **

**_Audience Member #1: Will we get to learn Trelawney’s first name next season?_ **

_Arthur Kirkland: Not bloody likely._

**_Audience Member #2: I’ve been watching Provo religiously since the first episode, and I really want to know- are Fernando and Dwight ever going to JUST KISS ALREADY?_ **

**_(General noise of enthusiastic agreement from audience)_ **

_Feliciano Vargas: (with a coy look at Ludwig Beilschmidt) Well… we’ll just have to see if they can learn to read the atmosphere._

**_Audience Member #3: Everybody in Provo knows Gilbert is gay and had a major thing for Pete, right?_ **

_Gilbert Beilschmidt: Right._

**_Audience Member #3: So are they going to get suspicious when Gilbert and Pete start spending a lot more time together? I mean, we all saw them confess their love for each other ten minutes ago. Or are we going to get surprised next season and they WON’T be dating?_ **

_Cristoforo Vargas: It all depends on what Lois Loporto decides to write for next season- we haven’t seen the scripts yet. But she DOES like to draw plot points at least partially from our lives; and I did get kicked out of seminary for being gay._

**_Lots of Audience Members: YOU DID?_ **

_Cristoforo Vargas: Yeah, actually, I did._

**_Audience Member #4: Wait so you’re ACTUALLY GAY? Are you and Gilbert together?_ **

_Cristoforo Vargas: Yes, I’m gay; no, I’m not dating Gilbert. Our brothers are partners; that would be weird._

**_Audience Member #5: (shouting from the back) HOW DID THEY FIND OUT?_ **

_Cristoforo Vargas: (sardonically) Well, how does anyone? There was this cute guy…_

**_(General laughter from audience)_ **

**_Audience Member #6: So are you ALL gay?_ **

_Matthew Williams: Oh God._

_Feliciano Vargas: Well I know there are a lot of bi people here… myself included._

_Lovino Vargas: (rolls eyes) Me too._

_Erzsébet Héderváry: (takes Roderich Edelstein’s hand) Us as well._

_Antonio Fernandez Carriedo: (shrugs) I’m just gay._

_Feliks Łukasiewicz: (cups hands around mouth) I am on fi-yaaaah!_

**_(General laughter from audience)_ **

_François Bonnefoi: Pansexual, mes amis (blows kiss)._

_Ludwig Beilschmidt: (after a pause) Asexual._

**_Audience Member #7: I know Sancha Fernandez isn’t trans, but is there anyone working on the cast or crew who is?_ **

_Alfred Foster Jones: That’s personal information, man. You got some people’s sexualities, lay off. We’re not outing anybody but ourselves up here._

**_Audience Member #8: What parts of your characters did Lois Loparto take from real life; and what things are totally made up?_ **

_Matthew Williams: Alfred and I ARE actually twins who were raised separately in America and Canada._

_Alfred Foster Jones: But that’s ‘cause our parents weren’t married. They each got a kid. But we knew about each other and did Christmas and New Year’s in upstate New York together every year._

_Erzsébet Héderváry: I am actually a drag king called Eli-_

_Feliks Łukasiewicz: And I’m Frieda. We did shows together._

_Erzsébet Héderváry: We haven’t done any shows since we starting acting in Provo but I know there are videos on the Internet somewhere. Try searching ‘Eli and Frieda at Bandits’ Saloon’. That’s where we did our thing._

_Liesl Hohenheim Zwingli: I’m not and never was a prostitute._

_Sebastian Zwingli: We were NEVER romantically involved._

_Gilbert Beilschmidt: I crushed on Kit._

_Cristoforo Vargas: (dumbfounded) You DID?_

_Gilbert Beilschmidt: Yeah, before Lutz and Feli got together._

_Cristoforo Vargas: You could have SAID something._

_Gilbert Beilschmidt: Sorry Kit._

_Feliciano Vargas: Oh! Ludwig and I did actually meet at one of Feliks and Erzsi’s shows! I was on stage with them that night!_

**_(Murmurs of surprise from audience)_ **

_Feliciano Vargas: Sometimes I was Felizitas Vee- I looked like Marlene Dietrich. (Sly look at Ludwig) Ludo came up after the last one I did and was a real gentleman about saying how much he liked my performance and how good my German was. ‘Ma’am’-ed me the whole time._

**_(Some laughter from audience)_ **

_Ludwig Beilschmidt: (rueful smile) Well, you were very good at looking the part. You sang very well and it would have been rude not to compliment you on your dancing._

_Feliciano Vargas: RIGHT- Antonio actually did teach me flamenco, that’s something Lois wrote in._

**_Various Audience Members: Show us!_ **

_Antonio Fernandez Carriedo: (looking down the table) What do you think, Feli?_

_Feliciano Vargas: If people will clear out some space at the front-_

_**(Cheering from audience)** _

* * *

Just about the last thing the network had expected was to wake up to the headline _‘MOMENTS IN PROVO CAST REALLY AS GAY AS WE THOUGHT’_ and admit that not _everything_ on the screen (television and certain corners of the Internet) was _entirely_ baseless.

But it was popular and getting them ratings and it would look bad if they started firing people or cancelled the show _now;_ so they just gave a sort of collective shrug and started billing _Moments in Provo_ as “the _Queer As Folk_ of soap operas”, and announced that Season 4 would see the show in a new time slot, right around the news hour.

Certain portions of the Internet exploded in diametrically opposed ways, people had to field uncomfortable questions, and Lois Loparto frantically rewrote half the lines of Season 4 a week before filming was scheduled; but everyone was expecting that last one.

 _Moments in Provo_ had the biggest season opener of any show on any network that year, and everything was good.


End file.
